I wish it would go away, the trembling of my nerves when I wake up and her face is the first thing on my mind.
I remember those days when I first met her.
She was a gem. A Rose amongst Dandelions.
Little did I know her thorns were razor sharp.
I’d’ve seen them had I not been blinded by her smile, luminous in its deceit.
The kind of smile that hides her sad eyes.
The eyes that have watched her heart break a thousand times.
The eyes have watched her hands build a wall so massive Mongols couldn’t get through.
I tried to bring it down but I couldn’t.
I tried to bring love to her doorstep. Tried to help her feel again, but I failed.
She’ll be hiding behind that wall, like her eyes behind that smile.
Forgetting what it feels like to let someone in.
I hate when I don’t get a reply from you. I also hate that I haven’t heard your voice in four days. I hate that you live so far from me. I hate that you’re the first person I think of when I get up, but I also like that it reminds me of the good times we’ve shared. I like to read our conversations but I hate that there aren’t more of them to read. I can’t look at the color red or pink without thinking of you. But it makes me miss you. It makes me smile when I think of how affectionate you are when we’re together, but I don’t like how distant you are when we’re apart. I don’t know if to call it an infatuation, or if I’m actually feeling something for you. We’re not committed to each other but the thought of someone else enjoying your presence makes me cringe. The thought of them getting to feel your skin, smell your hair, kiss your lips, and bask in your radiance is difficult to bear. I wish I could just turn a switch and make these feelings go away when you’re not around. It’s painful. I want to skip this part where I’m competing for your attention. You have all of mine, when will I have all of yours?
“…everyone I know says…I always seem, happy, truth is I’m always depressed, sorry I let you down.”
People go through things they often don’t share with others. It’s important to think about what you say to people because you never know where their real emotions lie. That dark cloud hides in plain sight.