I hate when I don’t get a reply from you. I also hate that I haven’t heard your voice in four days. I hate that you live so far from me. I hate that you’re the first person I think of when I get up, but I also like that it reminds me of the good times we’ve shared. I like to read our conversations but I hate that there aren’t more of them to read. I can’t look at the color red or pink without thinking of you. But it makes me miss you. It makes me smile when I think of how affectionate you are when we’re together, but I don’t like how distant you are when we’re apart. I don’t know if to call it an infatuation, or if I’m actually feeling something for you. We’re not committed to each other but the thought of someone else enjoying your presence makes me cringe. The thought of them getting to feel your skin, smell your hair, kiss your lips, and bask in your radiance is difficult to bear. I wish I could just turn a switch and make these feelings go away when you’re not around. It’s painful. I want to skip this part where I’m competing for your attention. You have all of mine, when will I have all of yours?
Don’t forget you’re beautiful. You’re beauty personified. You make men tremble when you walk by. You make every igneous piece of matter burst back into flames. There’s no end to the glimmer in your eyes. If I had only one sight for the rest of my breathing existence I wish it were you. Incomparable in your confidence. Your voice can reach my drums in the vacuum of space. It’s unique, unmistakable, musical. You smell of a thousand roses dancing in a crisp spring morning breeze. Your taste is sweet, like cherry pie. Your skin smooth and inviting. I need a night with you, maybe two. I want to make your body shiver as it’s driven to ecstacy. I want this memory of you forever. Don’t forget I want you forever.
Those words she says to you. Syllables have never been so beautiful. They make you feel invincible. The right ones coming from her perfect lips. A piercing sound through a flawless smile. This moment is sublime, until it changes.
Hours come and go, that perfect moment is long gone; but you were unaware that behind her eyes was the truth. Those words were dangerous because they carry an air of uncertainty. Your ears hear one thing, your mind another, and your heart braces itself hoping for the best. Those words are dangerous because they change overnight. One night she’s yours, in your bed, in your clutches, the next she’s gone, not looking back.
Words aren’t final, they don’t mean anything.
This is the time when things get deep. This is the time when I start thinking about the heartaches and the stressful moments that led to bad decisions. The texts I couldn’t unsend, the words I couldn’t unsay, the hopes and dreams I couldn’t take back—empty promises. Dreading the thought of having ever taken someone’s happiness and replacing it with sorrow.
“That wasn’t me, it couldn’t have been, I’m not that kind of person.”
I lie to myself and pretend I’m not capable of hurting. I know the feeling too well to place it on someone else. If only it were true. If only I weren’t human, then I wouldn’t have that capacity. I’m a decent person. I don’t do it intentionally, I don’t do it because I want to, I don’t do it because I enjoy it. It just happens. Again, and again, and again, and again…
Her skin was soft. Her skin put me at ease. Her skin pulled away my angst, stress, and haziness. It was therapeutic in its endless sublimity. It felt better when she loved me. She felt better when she knew me. She tasted better when I knew her. Her heartbeat told a story. Her breath exuded her essence, her aura, the thing that I couldn’t see, only felt. She had the power to open my eyes. I was born again inside her, no longer wondered what it would be like inside that work of art. There was nothing sweeter than her. When I was with her I knew who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be. I couldn’t convince her to feel the same. She drifted and I sailed.
Bewilderment fell upon me as I sat and gazed at her reflection, taking it in, tasting its colors and seeing its flavors. My mind began to run and I tried to remember the time when I was satisfied just by seeing her on the platform every morning. Time became muddled and I couldn’t figure out when that was no longer enough. I lost sight of the transition. When did just the simple sight of her stop making me happy? At what point did that desire to just look turn into the desire to speak, then to touch, then to kiss, to fuck, to love, to hold and caress. When did she become a necessity?
At some point in history my breathing became shortened and my heart’s palpitations banged against my chest begging for her presence because her sight was not enough. I was reduced to a bulb with no electricity. She became the Tesla to my coil, the one that gave me life, the being that wound me up at the start of my day and kept me going. For without her I’m reduced to nothing. Useless and forgotten, lifeless and rotting, a mindless zombie wandering without a purpose; wondering if this feeling is forever, or if I will grow tired of her. Is she just a phase? Am I just HER phase?
“You know what your problem with women is? There’s not an ounce of persistence in your body”
“Why do I have to be persistent? Shouldn’t an attraction be effortless? The one for me isn’t gonna make me jump through hoops. She’s not a sadist. There are other ways for me to prove I’m a man who can be dedicated and work hard for what he wants.”
“You have a point somewhat but you can’t always think that way. Women are all different. Women are God’s greatest gift…”
“My ‘God’ is Science.”
“Then you should know adaptation is the way to survival. Change your ways to move ahead. Go out there and try something different and see what progress you can make.”
“It’s not like finding her is my main priority anyway. She’s out there for me, that’s the point of soulmates, you find each other without looking”
“If you say so. What do you know about souls, you’re an atheist”
“It’s just an expression. I still believe in an inherent attraction between the right people through chemistry.”
“So you’re saying we all have a single piece that completes someone else’s molecular puzzle?”
“That’s one way to put it, yes. Just use your God-given eyes and look around. You see people whom you’d never find attractive in a million years in relationships with other people you’d never approach. ‘How in the world did that guy find a girlfriend?’, you say to yourself. Chemistry my friend.”
“But how do you know it was chemistry? They could break up tomorrow. Chemicals have shelf lives y’know.”
“You’re missing the point. It’s the way I view it. We’ll get ours eventually. I just don’t believe in forcing anything or going out of my way just to not have that same interest reciprocated.”
“What a load of Bologna! Quit the pusillanimity. You’re just afraid of failure so you’ve brainwashed yourself into this delusion. Shit happens, you ge…”
“Hold that thought, my wife is calling me.”
Nights spent lying in bed, mind shrouded in contemplation, thinking of the day’s misgivings and reminiscing on the times when you had no worries keeping you grounded. Suffocation takes a hold of the air and you begin to drown. Drown in your sorrow, wallow in your pathetic, downtrodden, and misguided excuses. You can’t seem to find a way out of this nightmare. An illustrious nightmare it’s become. Though like all dreams, it’s only temporary, you awaken, relieved and refreshed. The twelve ton boulder is off your chest and you can inhale fresh oxygen once more. It was there for a reason, it was there for a lesson.
This past Thursday was a day for the ages. From sunrise til bedtime it was a day full of greatness. After work I headed on down to The Bowery Ballroom for a much anticipated show by My Brightest Diamond and Brooklyn native Doe Paoro . Needless to say it was a spectacular evening.
Doe Paoro walked on stage and my eyes lit up, could it have been love at first sight?, quite possibly, but anyway, she started things with “Nostalgia” and the crowd was feeling it. When Born Whole came on I was sucked into her soulful voice. I would compare her to Adele or even the late great Amy Winehouse. Either way she’s sure to become more known very soon.
During an intermission by all-women drumming band, Batala, My Brightest Diamond snuck on stage to bless our ear drums with Pressure.
Don’t exactly know how I can describe the kind of performance Shara delivered so I’ll just say she’s a force to be reckoned with. This was the kind of performance where you really don’t wanna go home. The kind where you just wish the artist were a robot so they could stay on that stage until you had to go to work and then you’d just quit your job so you can watch the stage forever. There was never a dull moment during this hour of perfect harmony. She sent us home with a cover of Elvis’ “Fever”. For sure all of us in the audience caught the fever.